Dogs are SO smart . . .

This morning my husband forwarded me this amazing YouTube video that was sent to him by one of his friends; it was titled "I WANT THIS DOG". You've gotta see this! It does have musical audio (also cute) that you might want to turn down or mute if you are in an environment where it could be distracting to others.



On other topics, I once again apologize for my blog absence. I have begun to think that maybe I put too much pressure on myself, thinking that if I write anything I need to comment on how I'm doing or how Kyle's doing. Truth is, we struggle. I don't think anyone would expect anything less. Some days are okay, some are not. And I'm not always able to talk about it. Then it occurs to me -- maybe I don't have to, right?

I have been busy doing lots of things, lots of sewing, some crafting . . . and taking lots of pictures. I'm thinking I should begin sharing them, but perhaps in a simpler way with no pressure to make personal comments.

So I hope you enjoy this precious video. Until today, I thought MY dog was smart! Can't let this opportunity pass either without saying - we have so many adorable, smart dogs at Second Chance Animal Shelter where my husband & I volunteer. They will trade a lifetime of love for a good home. Help spread the word - and encourage responsible pet ownership. It breaks my heart to see these precious babies cast off and unwanted. If there is a chance your pet will ever be out of your sight, SPAY, NEUTER! Turning a dog (or litter of puppies) in to a shelter should be a last resort - and certainly not an option for birth control. Maybe that wasn't nice but it's surprising how often we have 'repeat contributors'. And I can't even think about it, but there are those we can't save . . .

In my prayers today - Larry, John F, Brenda, Jennifer, Karen, Paul. And all the fur babies who need homes. God bless.

Welcome Summer Ann

Summer Ann arrived this week. I wanna say that I'm related to Summer Ann. Kinda-sorta. Her grandmother's brother - that would be Great Uncle Gordon - is my cousin-in-law, married to my cousin Gena (who is like a sister to me). I'm sure you are chuckling by now but anyone who has lived in a rural county will understand. Here in our neck of the woods, if you're native to this area you are kinda related to almost everyone. But let me tell you, there is no one I am prouder to claim kinship to than this family. They are warm and special people, great fun to be around. They, who have endured tragedy of their own, have always been good to me, but never any more so than this year.
Anyway . . . you know you are old when you find yourself saying things like this . . . I remember like yesterday when Summer's mama and my son toddled around together. I can't wait to see the little miracle in person.

So in the interest of not falling too far behind the season, here are some pillowcases that I delivered to Childrens Hospital last month. As I mentioned in the last post, these are in memory of Ashley. The hospital has a foundation that manages all related to charity, including these "gifts in kind". A couple of the sweet ladies there have become good friends to me. Very kind and supportive. Ashley loved working at Childrens. I can see why, with such wonderful people making up their staff.
Here's another grouping that went down last month.

And sweet cousin Gena -- she has made a group also (gorgeous!), they will be part of the next delivery. More on that and pics to come.
And last but not least, Ashley's sister Misty came for a visit during Halloween week and she and I made these lovely treat bags for her three boys. Ashley ADORED her nephews. I'm sure she was very pleased.

Special prayers today for Kathleen, Dorothy, Stan, John, Larry, Brenda and Shirley. God bless.

Such As It Is . . .

Some of those closest to me will recognize this as something my paternal grandmother said often. I hear it in my mind a lot these days. I know that simple phrase is MeeMaw's personal message to me, her instruction to my heart.

I have debated within myself as to whether I could continue this blog. Many have asked, many have encouraged me.

Encouragement. Wow. I want to try to say something that in reality is totally beyond expression. The love and compassion that have been poured out upon my son, myself and my family is beyond description. And enduring. I could never possibly tell you all what an impact you have made and continue to make with your kindness. We have travelled a dark, scary and unknown road with many surprises along the way. I have been overwhelmed and amazed by touching compassion from unlikely sources, so deep it takes my breath away . . . and then there are other times . . . times when I have felt so sad and alone . . . times when I think of someone I haven't heard from at all, someone I thought was close to, even a relative. I have to believe that they simply don't know what to say. With that in mind I just want to share that I have found some of the greatest comfort when I've been told "I still think of you/pray for you. I just don't know what to say."

I guess my message in discussing the sadness is that I have personally learned how much it means to let someone know. You don't have to come up with magical words, sometimes it's better if you don't try, it is the simple act of reaching out that is most meaningful.

I have a lot more to say about such things and some beautiful quotes that have been shared with me . . . another time.

For now. Yes, I have been sewing. Sewing a lot. I have made two deliveries to Childrens Hospital of items donated in Ashley's memory. I plan for this to be an ongoing devotion honoring her memory. I have completed an elaborate set of altar linens for the church, in her memory. And my dear friend Pat has made certain that I have as much to sew for the fabric stores as I wish. She and Laura have sent some amazing and beautiful projects my way. I have so many pictures I've been hoarding. For now I will close with this beautiful, beautiful quilt that I will deliver today to Laura at Jackman's in Fairview Heights. It will be on display, so if you go in the store you can say you saw it here first. :p

"from HOPE springs COURAGE to LIVE and DREAM" . . .

The quilt pattern was designed for cancer awareness and support (and a portion of sale proceeds will go to cancer charity). But I think too, that the words speak to my heart right now.

I thank you Lord for the angels you have put in my life, bringing me support and encouragement to embrace hope.

In loving memory of my dearest Ashley . . . Special prayers today for those in need . . . Larry, Brenda, John, Dean, Jamie, Helen . . . and families. God loves you all and so do I.

Life As It Is . . .

I've had so very many people tell me they have checked the blog to see how I was doing. I'm sorry I haven't posted sooner, it's just another thing that is difficult for me. A symbol of happier days.

I guess my catch phrase these days is "I'm getting by". I think that's about the best we can do, Kyle and I and all who love Ashley so very very much, which I know includes many who will read this. Some days, some moments are harder than others. She was so much a part of me. I know that sounds cliche but the meaning behind it is not. She shared enthusiasm in everything I found joy in. Sewing, stamping, the Cricut, cooking - all these things we did together. So to try to do any of those things is difficult. Everything in my home is a part of her. And especially in those rooms where we shared such fun and joy, all the pieces of those pleasures have her fingerprints on them. Literally and figuratively. It is hard to pick something up, to move it or disturb it - wondering was it I or Ash who set it there? Was it she or I who last used it? Some day perhaps these feelings will pass. I really don't know. I do know with a certainty as strong as any I have every known, that the hole in my life and my heart will always remain. Maybe it won't be so raw (at least that's what I'm told) but it will always be.

So I know, how am I really? I'm improving I think. Sometimes I sleep (sometimes I don't). I've quit losing weight and have gained a little back. And I am doing things again, things I couldn't have a couple of weeks ago. I feel that now I may have reached the point that I spend almost as much time functioning as I do feeling sorry for myself. To me, that is huge. It wasn't long ago when I really wasn't able to do anything. Some moments I can think of her without crying. She sends me sweet memories from time to time and I feel her presence.

I'm clinging to my faith as if it were a lifesaver tossed to me in the waves.

As I have said to Kyle more times than I can count - there are no rules, no guidebook to tell us what to do or how to get by. We play it by ear . . . day by day, moment by moment. Maybe today will be a good day. We'll see. Thank you all so very, very much for your concern and for your prayers.

Faith

When we feel all is lost, we have faith. If I did not have faith, I could not have survived these two weeks. Nor go on another day. Through my faith I know that we will see Ashley again, but the human weakness of missing her is so great. So strong.

As I struggle, I come back time and again to the words Father Joseph spoke at her funeral, "We must take care as we grieve and mourn, not to let the darkness and sadness of death have the last word." I am profoundly grateful for the five-plus years we shared in her beautiful life. And I am comforted in recalling our conversations regarding faith, and my knowledge that she was close to God. But still, I miss her so . . .

I have no doubt that Ashley is aware of our struggles and sadness. I believe she was speaking directly to us a few days ago when I found this in an old, old book of poems that has been a favorite of Kyle's and mine since his childhood. Ashley bookmarked the page and in her own handwriting noted the title of the poem . . .

God's Will For Us

Just to be tender, just to be true;

Just to be glad the whole day through;

Just to be merciful, just to be mild;

Just to be trustful as a child;

Just to be gentle and kind and sweet;

Just to be helpful with willing feet;

Just to be cheery when things go wrong;

Just to drive sadness away with a song,

Whether the hour is dark or bright;

Just to be loyal to God and right;

Just to believe that God knows best;

Just in His promise ever to rest;

Just to let love be our daily key:

This is God's will, for you and me.

I promise you dear Ashley, I will try ever so hard to remember these words you have given us. I love you darling. Forever.

Dear Lord

grant me the strength to take just one more breath. Not for my sake but for Kyle and Misty and Rick and Norwood and Pat and Karen and Brenda. Our life has left us. Our precious beautiful Ashley is gone. I thank God for her life and our love. But my life is over today. I have nothing beautiful left to share and don't think that I ever will. Please pray for my baby Kyle. Such grief. Beyond measure. I can't tell.

Sad Farewell

Once again, I hope you will all forgive my lack of attention. My father passed away late last week. As most of you will know, he had a number of health problems. While the event was not a surprise, what is surprising is how difficult it can be even when you think you are prepared.
This picture was taken on Christmas day. I didn't realize until this moment how much better he looked such a short time ago.

My father was a jokester even to the last, reaching out from his hospital bed last week to startle my sister Linda by slapping the paper she was reading. Then snickering - oh yeah. He was intelligent and independent. He didn't care about conventional rules, he preferred to make his own. I think my dear cousin Lisa said it best in her Facebook post, "Rest in Peace My Dear Uncle Sparky! You lived your life just the way YOU wanted to and had a lot of fun doing it! . . . "

I've received so many touching shows of support, it is overwhelming. It makes me realize how much a simple word, a hug or a phone call can make. We do those things without thinking, but take my word for it - it does matter, so much.

And once again, I find myself reminded of how blessed I am to have the sisters, cousins and aunts I love so well. I commented to one of my sisters that after being together nearly 24/7 this past week, I'm sure I will suffer some 'sister withdrawal'. Easily remedied, we decided. I'm looking ahead to better days. Of catching up on lots of levels. The two things which have occupied 80% of my attention (the wedding and my dad) are behind me now. It may take just a little time to clear my head but I'll be back soon. xoxo