I've had so very many people tell me they have checked the blog to see how I was doing. I'm sorry I haven't posted sooner, it's just another thing that is difficult for me. A symbol of happier days.
I guess my catch phrase these days is "I'm getting by". I think that's about the best we can do, Kyle and I and all who love Ashley so very very much, which I know includes many who will read this. Some days, some moments are harder than others. She was so much a part of me. I know that sounds cliche but the meaning behind it is not. She shared enthusiasm in everything I found joy in. Sewing, stamping, the Cricut, cooking - all these things we did together. So to try to do any of those things is difficult. Everything in my home is a part of her. And especially in those rooms where we shared such fun and joy, all the pieces of those pleasures have her fingerprints on them. Literally and figuratively. It is hard to pick something up, to move it or disturb it - wondering was it I or Ash who set it there? Was it she or I who last used it? Some day perhaps these feelings will pass. I really don't know. I do know with a certainty as strong as any I have every known, that the hole in my life and my heart will always remain. Maybe it won't be so raw (at least that's what I'm told) but it will always be.
So I know, how am I really? I'm improving I think. Sometimes I sleep (sometimes I don't). I've quit losing weight and have gained a little back. And I am doing things again, things I couldn't have a couple of weeks ago. I feel that now I may have reached the point that I spend almost as much time functioning as I do feeling sorry for myself. To me, that is huge. It wasn't long ago when I really wasn't able to do anything. Some moments I can think of her without crying. She sends me sweet memories from time to time and I feel her presence.
I'm clinging to my faith as if it were a lifesaver tossed to me in the waves.
As I have said to Kyle more times than I can count - there are no rules, no guidebook to tell us what to do or how to get by. We play it by ear . . . day by day, moment by moment. Maybe today will be a good day. We'll see. Thank you all so very, very much for your concern and for your prayers.